The daily spam e-mail filth is almost enough to put me over the edge. Three hours of carrying around the worst thing I’ve ever known, and already I can feel it in my stomach. If I can’t get this hatred — raw edged hatred — out of my system, soon it will be an ulcer.

And hatred is not a strong enough word. There are no strong enough words, but the darkest ones I know keep stabbing in my throat. I am glad my head hurts now; probably tomorrow I’ll be able to stop clenching my jaw. I am one of the most controlled people I know. I am shaking. Never…

As kids, we get mad. As we get older, most of us learn patience but will never stop coming across events and people too infuriating to describe. And sometimes, these events and people are one and the same: the event will not be undone but perhaps the person could be. I lack the love to get past this. I have never, and hope I never again, felt so sincerely the desire to hurt someone. I have never honestly wondered about the possibility of getting away with murder.

Death. Death is what we all deserve, and death is what I hope he gets. It is wrong, and most parts of me know it, but here is someone I would choose not to save from eternal fire. No one is too good for death, but some should meet it faster. God forgive me for this anger, and save me from this hate, but keep a special place in hell for him.

Choices cannot undo the fact that there are no coincidences. There are no coincidences. 2 Samuel 13.

I expect that, at midnight tonight, the world will come to an abrupt end. And I must admit (in the most solemnly sarcastic of tones) that it is my fault. I think today I met the girl I was meant to marry, but I didn’t ask for her phone number. Cute, goes to a Christian college, enjoys heckling protestors… anyway, ripples in the pond, butterfly effect, etc., I may have inadvertently ruined God’s plan for all eternity. If you read this prior to 12:00 a.m. on August 29th (nobody’s going to, just let it go), take heed! If you read this at any point after that – well, I’m wrong again and that’s not the end of the world.

For those of you bored enough to expand this entry, first let me beg your pardon for that half baked play on words. On a marginally more serious note, I was on my A-game today as far as politics and socializing go. I volunteered to help out with Dubya’s visit to Troy, got assigned to wander around with a clipboard making sure people were registered to vote, and put my tour guide voice/gently self-depracating humor into high gear. Yeah, I didn’t realize it had a high gear either. There were locally important politicians and college females taking note.

It is still hot & muggy and I still don’t like it. The Redhawks game was delayed 40 minutes on account of lightning, and since we got kicked out of the stadium we just came home. Regional ESPN was here though, and from what little I watched on TV I’d have to say Betts will be, to quote Switchfoot, “more than fine.” The Michigan game may be physically painful and I’m not 100% sure I want to travel in said state in anything less than a battleship. I plan to ride in the back seat crying softly with my eyes closed.

ACH!? Reflexively I swat at whatever just grazed my neck, then smack it with my pillow. I don’t bother to look at the clock but while I’m up I might as well make a visit to the restroom. Praise Jesus that I shut the bedroom door behind me, because when I open it again there is a black shadow flapping around the room. Bats creep the pants off me, and if this one had attacked me while I was peeing the outcome would have surely been disastrous.

I figured it was a cicada or something. Nasty as those monster bugs are, at least they aren’t a bat. Even bats are kind of cool, when they are behind glass or at least a good distance away. In your room in the middle of the night… that’s a different story. Little beady-eyed, winged demon mouse.

Like a ninny, and because I don’t know what else to do, I leave the door open and high tail it downstairs. Somebody left the light on in the living room and my wandering tormentor follows me. I figure it’s better to wake DK and Van Hizzle asking for help than it would be to wake up everyone by running through the house screaming. I still don’t know what time it is, but I feel bad flipping on their light and saying, “Hey, you guys have anything that’d be good for bat killing?” DK says “tennis racket!” then rolls over and promptly falls back asleep. Van Hizzle gives me a couple towels; I apologize for the trouble and slip back into the kitchen.

Batty McSatan is in the living room crawling around in his freakish bat way on one of the window screens. For a second I think I can maybe catch him off guard and whack him with a towel, but after a step towards the doorway he flips out and starts circling the room again. I’d forgotten about that whole sonar thing – so much for the element of surprise. I stand in the kitchen a couple minutes waiting for something helpful to enter my mind, when suddenly Batty veers towards the doorway and comes winging into the kitchen. I start running for the living room, and take a swing at him as he goes past my head. Naturally I miss, but I keep running and go straight to my room. Van Hizzle’s towels come in handy for blocking the cracks at the top and bottom of the door (I don’t know why this would ever be necessary but it seems like a good idea).

I wake up Junior to let him know there’s a bat wandering the house, since he’ll probably be first out of bed in the morning. It’s a little after 4 when I fall shaking into my bed. What have I learned this morning? I am a pathetic excuse for a farm boy. I’m scared of a bat, which means I’d be scard of birds if birds were furry and had creepy finger-wings and fangs. Any self respecting farm kid would have waited in the bedroom doorway for that measly bat, smacked it out of the air with his bare hands, and stomped it into a rodent scented pulp. I, however, am a pampered little sissy boy, and unless the rental office responds quickly to the repair request I will make tomorrow… I may never sleep soundly again.

Stupid window with its half of a screen and a big space at the top. Stupid hole closet with shoddily finished paneling and plenty of bat-friendly gaps. Good thing my first class isn’t until 2 in the afternoon, I think to myself as I watch 4:30 go past with the heart rate of a toddler who’s been attacked by a panther.

Ah, the fantastic joy that is autumn in Ohio. A solid week of “no chance it’s going to get hot enough to swim” weather before you move back to school, and then a nice 90 degree air-conditionerless slap in the face. Welcome back, students!

I don’t want to go to law school. I never did, but off and on the results of a juris doctor degree sound appealing. Which, as a result, is kind of the same as wanting to go to law school. Suddenly it’s senior year, and I still want to do what it is I’ve planned on doing, and I’m sure I’ll find a job when I graduate. It’s what I’ll be doing 20 years down the road that has me wondering if I should do some more planning ahead while I’m tangled in this whole college thing. Will I wish I had gone to law school? Crap.

I just finished reading In, But Not Of by Hugh Hewitt and it was a good book. As expected, Mr. Hewitt is pretty demanding in his advice to would-be leaders and influencers of future society. So you’re left with a tough juggling act, wondering specifically what God did drop you into the mix for. Am I supposed to accomplish big things – or REALLY big things – with my life? Hard to decide whether calling it quits after 4 years of school and going out into the business world would be selling myself short. Hard to decide whether trying to go to law school and then do who knows what in the world would be a vast misstep in arrogance and personal expectations.

It doesn’t help that I think maybe I want to be hypereducated as a means of making up for my doofus-ness. Lots to think and pray about here…

7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 4, Ohio State 3

I won’t lie, this one looked bad at first. Real bad. The Redhawks didn’t really seem to care; lots of sloppy passes, getting beat to the puck. Ohio State’s first goal was short-handed, and that of course was no better. It took the better part of the first period, but Miami got some momentum going, started taking care of the puck, and answered to enter the second tied 1-1.

Once both teams got moving (which, like I said, took Miami awhile for some reason), tonight’s game turned into a great one. The Buckeyes struck again in the second, but again Miami answered before the period was out. The Redhawks did not take as many shots as usual but this was ok because they scored when they had to. Control of the ice was a continued struggle for the entire game, and when Miami scored midway through the third period OSU answered again to tie things up.

With less than two minutes remaining in sudden-death overtime, Michael put one in for the Hawks during a power play to seal the deal. One of the best games I’ve seen; beatiful goals by both teams, great performances by both goalies, an all-around exciting matchup. Final score: Miami 4, Ohio State 3.

7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 5, Western Michigan 2

Excellent game! The Redhawks controlled the ice for a majority of the game, and although WMU’s goalie had a great night Miami put in 5. Ok, they put in 4, and then the 5th “goal” was granted after the Broncos commited a penalty during an open-net breakaway. Still – 4 goals is not bad. There was a lot of checking, but not too many penalties. The game went fast and the Hawks had a lot of shots and it was a good time.

Western Michigan scored 2 goals on less than a dozen shots, but Crawford-West played well… the shots that got through were pretty nasty ones. Probably the high point of the game was Miami’s 4th goal: a beautiful pass to the top of the crease, slapped right into the corner of the net. It sealed the deal and was just so dang pretty. Final: Miami – 5; Western Michigan – 2. A dose of redemption from an unfortunate tie the night before.

7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 2, Nebraska-Omaha 2

This game seemed long, partly because of the overtime but mostly because of the girl standing right next to us talking about the player she had sex with. For, seriously, the whole friggin game. It was ever-so-delightful and not in the least disgusting. No, but really, I wish she would have either have stayed at home or become mute.

Nebraska-Omaha’s goalie had an unbelievable game. Tons of saves; and we’re not exactly talking about a few crummy shots per quarter. The Redhawks played well and kept the puck at the Mavericks’ end of the ice for what seemed like 85% of the game but it wasn’t enough. After a scoreless first period, Nebraska-Omaha put one in early in the second. Miami scored after several minutes and then took a 2-1 lead towards the end of the period. Unfortunately, they were unable to extend the lead and when UNO scored again in the third this proved costly. The overtime period was more of the same; Redhawks maintaining control most of the time but unable to get anything past the Mavericks’ goalie. Tie, 2-2.

it’s hard to write when the only point i feel like getting across is that i haven’t got much worth saying. i like to write but can only do it well when i’ve got something good that i have to get down before it slips out of my mind. there is an article i originally considered weeks ago and would love to throw together to post right now. there’s a lot i might say but i don’t know how and right now, it’s just not there. it probably will be later, when i’m trying to fall asleep, and i hate that. i have ideas to get across and a desire to do so and yet… nothing.

this must be that nagging reminder of my insufficiency, creeping up on me again. nagging in the same way a lion is a nagging reminder to the antelope that he’s tired and is about to be eaten. i feel my inability when i first wake up in the morning: soo… a day of class, and i’ll talk to maybe three people outside this house, and probably put off what little work i should do, and then repeat. soon the usual distractions get the day spinning, but again when i go to bed i remember that i’m useless at doing anything worthwhile. on my own, i am just another loser writing because i’m not good at much else. if i get my joy from cool music, a decent essay, or some new website feature, i will never stay happy for long. i may as well devote my life to a 4.0 or weekends of ignorant drunken bliss or a continuous cool-guy popularity act (or do the Miami thing and try all three at once). it’s true – my acutely incomplete belief in God does not give me immunity from distractions or depression.

my attitude is not good. it’s not terrible, and i will be ok, and if i were more stubborn i could probably live out my time here in my current mindset. even when i do move on, i will never get over my pride in my intelligence and creativity. i will never stop trying to be independent of my Creator. i can’t say for certain, because i’ve never been an alcoholic or a prostitute, but i’ll assume that my insistence on being insightful is just as spiritually hazardous. as long as i keep trying to accomplish and communicate and persuade as ends in themselves, i’ll have chosen to be stagnant – my attitude will stay “not good.” only when i look to God for my inspiration, only when i keep him in the front of my mind more often, will anything i do benefit myself and others.

and isn’t that the idea?

7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 4, Ohio State 2

The Buckeyes team entered this weekend at 6th in the nation. With Ohio State leading the CCHA and Miami trailing close behind, I looked forward to tonight’s game in the home-and-home series. Even more so when I found out that last night, Miami won in Columbus. How about that! Tonight, Ohio State struck first in the opening period with a nasty shot just below the left upper-90. But within minutes, the Redhawks answered. And also broke a panel of the glass in the boards, which was cool. Despite a delay to replace the glass, the period remained tense and ended at 1-1.

Before a third of the second period had ticked away, Miami scored their second goal to take the lead. Again, the Buckeyes answered, and again the period ended tied… this time at 2-2 (for those of you not keeping up with the math). But the third period, the Redhawks took over in a game where both teams had gotten few shots and many penalties. Ohio State failed to answer Miami’s third goal, and with several minutes remaining Miami scored a fourth to seal the deal. 4-2, and the Redhawks ought to move into at least the top 20 with a weekend sweep of Ohio State.

7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 5, Alaska Fairbanks 4

I do not know how the Redhawks can score so very much one night, and then have so much trouble the next. I was not in town the weekend Michigan was here… but to win 8-3 one night and lose 2-1 the next seems strange to me. If you glanced over the scores, you noticed that Miami beat the Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks soundly on Friday, November 21. A 7-1 win is nothing to scoff at (unless of course it’s college kids playing third graders). Enter Saturday.

The Redhawks did not score in the first period. This was frustrating, but would have been acceptable but for the fact that they allowed 2 goals. Yes, the Nanooks only managed one goal the night before (while allowing seven)… but somehow posted two goals in the first period. Furthermore, one of these was shorthanded, and that isn’t cool. The second period brought with it a more successful Miami offense; the first goal was scored by one of the freshmen and was a sweet as-he-was-falling shot. By the end of the second period the game was tied up.

Long story short (I should have written this last night because I’ve already forgotten the details), just when it would look as though the Redhawks had saved it — the Nanooks just kept scoring. The final Nanooks goal was a nasty shot at the upper 90 over our goalie’s left shoulder. But, another Miami freshman brought the game to an end in OT.