IMAO.us is a frightening place inhabited by frightening people. Not only do they talk regularly about guns – as if modern man has any right or need to own a firearm! – they have a tendency to discuss dinosaurs. As you may know, science will soon progress to the point where we can put together just about anything given a few strands of DNA. When this happens wild men like those at IMAO will be at the forefront, clamoring for giant genetically engineered lizards to strap lasers and rocket launchers upon.

Before we’ve hurtled off that precipice, it is our responsibility as Americans to bring IMAO into the mainstream by nurturing an ongoing and constructive dialogue. If there is one thing the first two months of this majestic and historifical presidential administration have taught us, it’s that offering bewildering platitudes is the way to win friends and influence people. To that end, I would like to present IMAO.us with the inaugural edition of the Prettier Than Olbermann award:

They may not literally be Prettier Than Olbermann, but it would probably be close if you took away Keith Olbermann’s hair and makeup crew. And assigned that hair and makeup crew to the IMAO.us team. And knocked back a few cheap cold ones.

Let’s hope this works, because if bad people who disagree with us can’t be silenced with lip service then we’ll have to call them racists, and then pretend they don’t exist while our allies harangue / sue them.

[Update: Typo in the second paragraph. Begone, improper tense usage!]

Exurban League made up a funny potential Obama response to the captive standoff with pirates off the coast of Somalia:

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

I laugh because I’d prefer not to cry; the parody works so well because it strikes familiar chords from the Obama songbook.

Meanwhile, why are the pirates still breathing? Their captive Captain Richard Phillips made a break for it, but didn’t get very far:

Around midnight local time, Phillips jumped off the lifeboat and began swimming, but was recaptured, according to Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk about unfolding operations.

Sailors on the USS Bainbridge, which is patrolling nearby, were able to see Phillips moving around and talking after his return to the lifeboat, and the Defense Department officials think he is unharmed.

I would hope that if American troops are afforded any opportunity to neutralize the pirates without harming Captain Phillips, they’ll do so. Then again, we bankroll Palestine… so why not warm-and-fuzzify our response to piracy and throw these poor Somalis a bone, too?

[Update: added the link for the second quote.]

Columbus needed one point in three games to get into the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, and last night they got it – with an exclamation point.  It is very fitting that the Columbus Blue Jackets captain, and the face of the team, scored the goal to put the Jackets into the playoffs for the first time ever.  Rick Nash tied the game last night against Chicago late in the third  period with a backhand shot that snuck past Chicago’s netminder, and just like Rimmer said, I’m not sure he could raise his hands any higher in celebration.  The guys have worked hard this year to get to this point, and now it all pays off…now lets see some great playoff beards!

Congrats to Penn State for being “the best of the rest,” with a hard fought win in the NIT tournament championship game.

– a laugh. I went to Wendy’s for lunch, and made the mistake of sitting near the TV playing MSNBC instead of the one playing ESPN. Between a stilted interview that made it abundantly clear the afternoon host had no clue what she was talking about, there was a commercial for some of the network’s prime-time programming.

Cue President Obama gazing into the future, hopeful yet somber: splashed next to him, the words “Save the economy” as a voice-over asks “Will the American people support President Obama’s efforts to save the economy?” Followed by a dramatic flyby of the logo for Chris Matthews’ show, whose title should be changed to Slowpitch until the end of Obama’s term.

Here’s President Obama signing a bill, serious and triumphant, as the narrator asks, “Can President Obama’s budget make it past the Republican ‘No’ Machine?” A shot of Keith Olbermann looking, as ever, like San Francisco’s third-best used car salesman.

I wonder how often MSNBC teased a Bush-era broadcast with an implicit endorsement of Dubya’s attempts to “save” something. I wonder how many times Congressional Democrats were referred to as a No Machine (a contraption integral to the manufacture of Noes^TM) from 2001-2008. It seems cruel that Robert Gibbs is forced to flounder through his daily press secretary responsibilities; why not cut costs by directing any questions for the Obama administration straight to MSNBC’s news headquarters?

What’s laughable is that people whine and cry about what partisan beasts Fox hosts are… and then return to watching MSNBC. Fact: Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann are clowns. If you think one is an angel and the other a demon, you too may qualify for oversized shoes and a squeaky nose! Unfair as Fox News may be in their selection of personalities, imagery, topics, and tone, let’s not pretend MSNBC is any fairer.

It’s that time of year again. The NCAA basketball tournament is here yet again, and so far it has been a fun ride. Office and facebook pool titles are being hotly contested this year since there haven’t been too many cinderella stories. In fact, I would argue that the sweet 16 doesn’t have a single cinderella. The top three seeds are still going in each region I believe, but that hasn’t robbed us from any excitement. As per usual, there have been a plethora of close games, including some overtime (and double overtime) games.

I am currently in several pools, and am near the bottom in every single one of them. Try as I may, I never seem to do very good with these things. I am typically somewhere in the upper middle of the pool standings, but this year I am doomed to finish at or near last place in every single pool that I am in…very sad considering I follow college basketball fairly well throughout the entire season. Oh well, there’s always next year!

It was unfortunate to see Ohio State bow out in the first round, but a big congrats to the Bucks and Thad Matta for another successful season. It amazes me to watch Thad Matta turn a mediocre team into a 20+ win team – a testament to his great coaching ability. Granted, this year there was a decent amount of talent on the team, and they possibly could have done better, but a great job nonetheless. Hopefully we have some key players return and our great incoming freshman class lives up to its hype. Here’s to another NCAA tourny appearance next year!

On another sports specific note, the Jackets are continuing their excellent play. They are keeping a step ahead of the 7th and 8th seeded western conference foes, and with 10 games left, hopefully will win at least half of them and get into the playoffs for the first time in franchise history! I think Columbus is ready to support a playoff hockey squad, I keep seeing more and more Blue Jackets gear all around Columbus, and hope to see much more! I don’t know how difficult it will be to get tickets, but I would love to be able to make it to a playoff game.

Is there anybody who doesn’t hate Ticketmaster? If you have some reason not to hate them, I’d love to hear it. I’m looking to get a few tickets for Saturday’s NCAA Round 1 Women’s games at Nationwide, and I noticed on the Arena’s website:

Tickets are also available at the FOX Sports Ohio Blue Line location at The Mall at Tuttle Crossing and ticket outlets within Chiller Dublin, Chiller Easton and Chiller North.

I thought this was odd, but I live so close to Tuttle it seemed worth a shot to avoid all the service charges. Of course, this was the one event they did not have tickets for… no big deal. Then the girl told me they “only” charge a $2 service fee for tickets purchased at the Blue Line store. Only $2! That’s great! Ticketmaster is in the business of selling tickets, which in almost all cases are only available through Ticketmaster, and even if you go buy them in person they tack on $2 per ticket in addition to whatever Ticketmaster charges are included in the price.

Checking online, the description of the tickets reads: ADULT SINGLE GAME WITH SERVICE CHARGE, which seems to pretty clearly indicate that all the fees are included in the price. Yet after you select seats, they add a $4 “convenience” fee. I guess it’s convenient having no choice but to purchase from Ticketmaster! I don’t know what Ticketmaster’s motto is, but it should be Ticketmaster: We totally blow.

On the commendation side of things, Netflix is awesome. After a two week trial that I used mostly to test the streaming service over the XBOX, I realized I’d never need to rent another movie if I got the $8.99 monthly subscription. We’ve made good use of the instant watching feature, which is great despite a catalog that is far smaller than the physical one. I’m only using the DVD queue to catch new releases or the occasional classic that I can’t watch from the 360, so 1 at a time is fine. And today, the really impressive thing hit my inbox:

PCU was not available from your local shipping center. Fortunately, it was available from a shipping center in another part of the country. It’s on its way and should arrive within 3 to 5 days.

You’ll notice we also recently sent the next available DVD from your Queue to enjoy while PCU makes its way to you.

The movie first on my list wasn’t available at the Columbus location, so when they shipped it from someplace else they emailed me an apology – and sent the next movie in the queue at the same time! Much as I’ve gotten used to credit cards and utilities going out of their way to squeeze maximum fees out of minimum service, Netflix continues to impress! If you haven’t tried them out, I strongly recommend the free trial, especially if you have a 360 and good internet service.

[Update: On top of the $4 added to each "With service charge" ticket, they add a $3 order processing fee? Keep on suckin', Ticketmaster.]

Yesterday the NAACP jumped on board the Sharpton Express – a mode of transportation they use far too often – and called for the firing of the NY Post cartoonist who drew this:

The cartoon mocked the “stimulus” bill written by Congress and signed by President Obama while referencing the police shooting of a crazed pet chimpanzee last week in Connecticut. Seems perfectly clear and simple to me, if not all that funny. Fatal error: the use of a chimpanzee.

“This is tastelessness taken to the extreme,” he said. “For the publication to suggest the only people who object to it are constant critics of the New York Post is beyond ridiculous.

“This was an invitation to assassination of the president of the United States and anyone who was not offended by it doesn’t have any sensibilities.”

Wait… what??? Maybe the fatal error was depiction of a shooting? Maybe those Connecticut cops should be locked away for their hate-motivated murder of a species racists often compare to black people? That Al Sharpton is still paid attention by any sensible person is outrageous. That an allegedly respectable national organization sees a dumb cartoon about a chimp and declares it a call for assassination of the president is… I’m not even sure what.

Who cares that President Obama didn’t write the stimulus bill; Al Sharpton has bigger things than “facts” to worry about. Like, for instance, being one of the premier racists in the country and finding things to decry as offensive. If Barack Obama is the post-racial politician he has claimed to be, this seems like a great opportunity to criticize the NAACP for a childish display. On the count of three, let’s all hold our breath…

…Again. I will admit, much as I love the Buckeyes I was not optimistic for tonight. Tressel is a great coach who for whatever reason has trouble putting it together in big non-conference games. So in a way it was good to see a close game against a great, heavily favored Texas team; but it’s still a bummer to end another season on a sour note.

Stifling run defense, but over 400 yards passing allowed. Beanie continues to rock everyone’s world, until he’s hurt again. Dumb offside, holding, and roughing the passer penalties lengthened Texas drives and crippled our own. And late in the 4th when the offense really got firing, it was just in time to blow through a drive that should have managed the clock. I was afraid the D couldn’t buckle down for one last Texas possession. Crappy time to be right.

It’s disappointing, especially, for the seniors who have worked so hard to improve themselves and be a winning team.  For those who stayed in Columbus when they could have been millionaires by now, thanks again, and God bless…

A headline that gave me a laugh earlier today, from the AP: Chilean cardinal: Madonna rouses ‘impure thoughts’.

It’s true. For instance, when I think of Madonna, I think “Wow, Madonna sucks.”

And then amazingly, the puff piece gets weirder, as we learn this guy so concerned about citizens getting riled up over a wrinkly, washed up pop star voiced these concerns during a service honoring Augusto Pinochet. Based upon this story I can only conclude all Chileans are insane.