President Bush wasn’t always clear about why he made the decisions he made. President Obama is better than President Bush, because he can give a 50 minute speech about any old topic but he can also summarize all the important issues into simple precepts.

Foreign policy: If they hate us, kiss their asses harder.

• Russia is “cautiously optimistic.” President Obama has made an old enemy “cautiously optimistic,” and all it took was throwing two vital allies to the wolves!
• Iran basically told us to go screw ourselves. But that’s okay – sure, the president stood by while they crushed political dissenters, and doesn’t much care to stop them from getting nukes; they’ll come around. Persia’s old, and they definitely won’t nuke Israel like they’ve promised to.
• Hugo Chavez is totally going to start inviting our diplomats to all kinds of parties. Honduras thinks we’re going to let them stick to their constitution, but Honduran diplomats don’t have good parties at all!

Domestic policy: Spend. Spend. Spend. Has anyone thought about, maybe, spending?

• The best way to fix the economy is to get the biggest bucket you can find, fill it with taxpayer money, and dump that money wherever the hell you can.

Freedom: No. Let the Government take care of that. Freedom is for racists.

• Are you rich? You owe everyone who isn’t. President Obama will decide how much income is enough, and tax the rest of it so hard.
• Are you a corporation? You’d better be unionized, by golly. Corporations are evil, but unions are the coolest.
• Do you have health insurance? You’re going to. Do you like your private insurance? Pfft.