I received notice today from the IRS that I may be entitled to a payment of up to $600! Yaaaayy!!!

How, you ask, shall I spend this fortuitous government windfall? It’ll cover half the enormous sum of taxes I had to pay on savings bonds cashed in 2007. Yaaaayy(???)

It’s a shame, really. I’m ruining the lives of poor people by not buying something for which I’d have to pay sales tax. Or buying a certificate of deposit and paying taxes on the interest. Or investing in a stock that pays dividends, then paying taxes on the dividends, and then paying more taxes if I ever make a profit from selling the investment. I am what’s wrong with America.