Nobody likes a Monday-morning quarterback, but we’ve all been just that. At some point we have used the magical powers of hindsight to make someone else look stupid, or to make ourselves look smart. I myself am guilty of this offense pretty much every time I turn on the TV. Hopefully it’s funny sometimes, and hopefully this tendency to find humor in others’ stupidity is not a defining part of who I am.

The Monday-morning quarterback syndrome does define John Kerry, to a degree which would be funny if the election weren’t so unreasonably close. In his defense, saying “I would have done this” or “I would not have done that” is an important part of racing an incumbent. Generally, pointing these things out is helpful in that it lets voters see where a candidate’s priorities lie, and which positions the candidate is willing to take a stand on. But if you point to everything the polls indicate is unpopular and march around saying how you’d manage it all a few dozen times better – with a plan, mind you, listed on your website at www.johnkerry.com – you’d better have a history proving you worthy of voters’ trust. If you’ve accomplished little worthwhile your entire life (can you name something great John Kerry has done?)… well then, best to keep the woulda-shoulda-coulda soundbytes coming fast and varied.

John Kerry is willing to take a stand on any issues, and on no issues. When a big story comes out ‘proving’ that Bush did something stupid, Kerry is 1-3 hours behind it (depending on time zones), spitting out the headline followed by the usual “I would/would not have done this.” Assuming the voters forget any of John’s own positions directly contradicted by a new one, his attacks typically last about as long as it takes for the story to be discredited or the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to release a retort. The current example is the missing explosives story, given automatic journalistic integrity by appearing in the New York Times. Although NBC reported in 2003 that the materials in question were already gone when American troops arrived, John is still flogging that horse today, a day after I heard that the story’s reliability had been brought into question. If I knew yesterday, shouldn’t one of John’s advisors have told him by now – “Um, yeah, you might not want to make this the focal point of your stump speeches this afternoon, since we don’t know whether it’s true.”

For John, it doesn’t matter. Less than a week before November 2nd, the attack will ring louder than its withdrawal. Since he’s got little else to talk about (he could mention his cookie-cutter liberal mantra about Universal Healthcare saving a world poisoned by the President’s insidious insistence on drugs meeting FDA regulations), Kerry has got to hope that maybe this ‘example’ of Bush’s failings will push a few more undecideds into his camp. If you vote for the war, vote against its funding, proclaim yourself an anti-war candidate, and then stand by your “YEA” vote, pushing your own ideas is probably not going to hold a lot of weight. Much easier to say how badly the current President is doing… especially with 60 Minutes and the esteemed New York Times feeding you juicy half-truths whenever the going gets tough.

Before this, John Kerry has pulled innumerable stances out of his lucky hat. The fact that “I would have done almost everything differently” is the corner he has chosen for his Iraq war position is very telling. Do I think John Kerry would have done almost everything differently? Absolutely: I think he would have held several more tea parties with all the members of the UN Security Council, and he would have said some more nasty things about Saddam Hussein, and then he would have sat at home on his hands hoping the lunatics would play nice from now on. How else could Bush have fought the war in a more multilateral fashion? The buildup, which followed over a decade of broken UN agreements on Saddam’s part, lasted 14 months. The countries John claims he would have gotten involved have already said that, regardless of who is President, they will not contribute.

In the end, a Monday-morning quarterback is only himself when whining from his La-Z-Boy. I certainly do not want John Kerry taking snaps, because I have the feeling he would cower motionless with the ball (assuming he could catch it) waiting for the UN to blow the whistle. While I’m certainly no political genius, I know two things for sure: John Kerry has way too much faith in the UN, and George W. Bush has a sense of humor. Neither candidate is a flawless leader, but one has led us through some of America’s darkest years while the other has imagined his way into a time machine permanently set for September 10th, 2001. Blame it on my cruel conservative sensibilities, but I’ll take a smiling Churchill over a thin-skinned Chamberlain any given Tuesday.

Honestly, I don’t know. My understanding is that President Carter did an ok job while in office and has since done lots of humanitarian work (Habitat for Humanity is huge and excellent). I don’t exactly have the man’s life history memorized by heart, but he’s been talking like a certified crazy person lately. On Hardball, Chris Matthews asked President Carter for parallels between the war in Iraq and the Revolutionary War. The response:

CARTER: Well, one parallel is that the Revolutionary War, more than any other war up until recently, has been the most bloody war we’ve fought. I think another parallel is that in some ways the Revolutionary War could have been avoided. It was an unnecessary war.

Carter goes on to say that, like Canada and Australia, we could have eventually gained independence through peaceful means. As someone with a limited understanding of history, there are two aspects of President Carter’s response that make me wonder if maybe someone should change the dosage on his medication.

First, Carter says the Revolutionary War parallels the Iraq war in that it “has been the most bloody war we’ve fought.” Does he remember the Civil War, or World War II, or World War I, or Vietnam, or Korea? If Iraq is one of the bloodiest wars in America’s history, what would Jimmy consider a less-bloody war? Yes Mr. Carter, we understand that war is bad. No Mr. Carter, we are not on the train when you say Iraq is a violent war relative to the other conflicts in the nation’s history. That is obviously untrue, and not an assertion you’d expect a sane person to make.

Second, Carter says that the Revolutionary War was unnecessary. Really? I’m not sure if we’d asked a little nicer or a few more times Britain would have said, “Well sure, I guess we’ve got enough continents already anyway.” But the way the former President talks, it sounds like we should have just waited for independence until Britain got tired of us. America should have politely been an overseas British suburb for another twenty, or fifty, or 100 years.

Chris Matthews asked his question in such a way that it would have been easy to support or dispute potential parallels between American soldiers in Iraq currently and British soldiers in America during the Revolutionary War. Instead, President Carter felt it necessary to take two broad strokes and paint a dismal picture of the Iraq war. His first is downright false on the Iraq end. His second is defensible on the Iraq end, and completely bizarre on the Revolutionary War end.

I don’t question the good things Jimmy Carter has done for America and the world. His philanthropic contributions are generous and should be respected. But if he can’t answer a simple question without spouting random craziness, maybe he should take a step back from the microphone. Granted, the same thing could be said about a number of ‘political analysts,’ but President Carter has a continuing obligation to live and speak responsibly, and he’s currently failing to keep it.

I must admit, I have no clue
Been wondering for a year or two
At last my hopes have come unglued.

One more clumsy cellphone message
Bet I’ve left the wrong impression -
Unintended misdirection

And if I’m weirded out, I’m sure
That you’re uncomfortable times four
A date’s not what I’m looking for

Now, to correct should I call back?
Feels like I’m on a sneak attack
To spend some time; it’s time you lack

At least – it seems – where I’m concerned
If there’s one thing I should have learned
Some friendships end, once crushes burned

At night you can’t see the sidewalks
on East Collins Street
There’s no surer formula
for wet feet

While the darkness conceals
our first rain in two months
Two cold blocks of small holes -
step in each at least once

And of all of the evenings
to not wear a hat!
Most of nature’s against me,
must remember that