7:35pm Goggin Ice Arena
Miami 2, Nebraska-Omaha 2

This game seemed long, partly because of the overtime but mostly because of the girl standing right next to us talking about the player she had sex with. For, seriously, the whole friggin game. It was ever-so-delightful and not in the least disgusting. No, but really, I wish she would have either have stayed at home or become mute.

Nebraska-Omaha’s goalie had an unbelievable game. Tons of saves; and we’re not exactly talking about a few crummy shots per quarter. The Redhawks played well and kept the puck at the Mavericks’ end of the ice for what seemed like 85% of the game but it wasn’t enough. After a scoreless first period, Nebraska-Omaha put one in early in the second. Miami scored after several minutes and then took a 2-1 lead towards the end of the period. Unfortunately, they were unable to extend the lead and when UNO scored again in the third this proved costly. The overtime period was more of the same; Redhawks maintaining control most of the time but unable to get anything past the Mavericks’ goalie. Tie, 2-2.

Lost in a crowded room,
Not in the crowd.
Under the noise
All I hear is the sound

Of a joke that fell flat,
A deep voice that just cracked,
An awkward pause -

Anywhere to go,
Nowhere to hide
One hope, one fear
One thing is clear…
I need to hurry out of here.

I’d pay my last dollar
to remove her indifference.
I’d pay it twice
to buy some of my own.

the screen-glow through my two migraine eyelids
burns as if i were three feet from the sun
can’t think of where this headache came from, but
it’s sharp enough i can get nothing done

i had one on saturday that got bad
another on monday felt even worse
a third for today; now i’m getting mad
– it hurts enough i can hardly converse

if i focus just right i can process
thoughts but …the distraction is not enough
if i sit awake now i will want to
die later. time to take pills and give up

i lay down to sleep: rough pain charges in
my brain’s city-walls have been overcome
i fall asleep soon, the caffeine kicks in
…aspirin shows up to a battle soon won

Think of your favorite movie. Now, what is it that makes this movie so great? Unless it’s a comedy where the plot is secondary, more than likely “good” and “evil” are involved (even if it’s a ‘I hope she chooses the guy who’s not a jerk’ chick-flick). And they are not playing nice. My favorite movie, when I’m in too serious a mood for The Princess Bride, is the final entry into the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Talk about an enormously popular series of films… we’re talking worldwide popularity to a degree that’s nearly universal. And what lies at the core of the story? Deceptively imaginary good vs. evil.

It should come as no surprise that this is the sort of movie people will watch again and again. Whether we realize it or not, there is more truth in the Lord of the Rings movies than in every chainsaw massacre, softcore pornography, and annoying documentary film combined. Right and wrong are deeper and stronger than laws or traditions; we know that the honorable should win and the cruel suffer defeat. The special effects are stunning, the acting is great, the directing is masterful - but these are only means to the end. When you watch these movies, you identify with the characters and hope for their safety and rejoice in their victory. Deny it if you will, but you have witnessed possibly the best ever cinematic depiction of the battle between the greatest powers in the universe. And I don’t mean mythological heroes and dungeon monsters.

There are great powers in the universe, and they are greater than nature, and they are as obvious as the sun. Belief in God is popular, but only under the most watery and least reasonable definitions of Him. As plain as movie-screen good versus evil, there are only two paths in life. One of them is with God; the other, without. We can see these only poorly, if at all. Our scientific stubbornness cannot ‘know’ that God exists at all. But should we expect to? A God behind, below, above and beyond the scenes of an everything-sized movie is awfully big. What character, conceived in His mind and drawn by His hand, could possibly understand Him? Would J.R.R. Tolkein’s fictional dwarves and elves, brought to bigscreen life but existing only on film, discs, and paper, have any reason to expect a handshake and signed photograph from the director?

So this is where faith comes in. We fuss and argue about religion until nobody knows what ‘religion’ means, but FAITH… faith is a word that actually makes you think of something. Faith is belief in an incomprehensible “big picture.” It’s something hard to explain, yet simple - either you take a step and have faith, or you do not. Reality does not leave footnote space or empty lines to fill in with an Eastern religion of your choice or a doctored defintion of God. When I say ‘faith’ I mean a thoughtful belief in the God of the Hebrews, the Father of Jesus Christ; the Creator. Everything else I’ve tried was an escape hatch to pride and self-reliance.

I hope you’re with me here. If not, there isn’t much I can do. Read some C.S. Lewis (he was a friend of Tolkein’s, by the way) or meet with a local pastor. Think about why you look at the world the way you do; hold up your favorite alternative to God against the light of an ordered universe complete with thinking, emotional beings. Should you choose atheism or something else, live your life for awhile and honestly consider how that goes. If there’s a point to something as complicated as life, how could it be as bland as ‘to be happy?’ If there’s not a point, how could someone as smart as yourself be so hung up searching for one? Honestly, you may think I’m stupid but scratch out God and you’re missing the show.

Yes, a truly good movie is a great thing. But how sad it would be if that were the greatest thing… a scripted course of events starring a cast of fake characters, all designed to evoke emotions that serve no other purpose. How easily we forget that God is here. His amazing plan is for our greatest good: and every day, we forget. I can glance in awe at the sunrise. I can take in the comforting, powerful words of the Bible. I can enjoy a beautiful song that doesn’t scratch the surface of God’s vast power… all while completely overlooking the facts that I am an adopted son of a God who does not make mistakes or concessions, and that I live in a world poisoned by Evil. Does God love his children? He gives us life and choice, and I can’t think of grander, better gifts. But I shuffle along feeling bored and unimportant 300 days out of the year.

Only once in awhile do I vaguely glimpse the plot. I really don’t know what is planned for me, let alone how I’ll get there. I know enough to see, at last, that Christianity is never a set of rules or a class on self improvement. Following Christ is a doorway opened, not to a quiet pasture or a golden road but to everlasting life… through a world at war. Good is fighting evil, but in our storyline we rarely choose a side or even realize the lines are drawn. I am often burned out because I want to tell my own story, with the entire thing planned and scheduled and padded for safety. I want to serve God, but I’d like to have a 12-step program or something to hold onto.

I should be holding onto God instead. This is GOD we’re talking about here. Outside of time, space, every other thing that restricts us. Awesome and creative and loving enough to put romance deep in our hearts. He made this world and if He chooses, He can unmake it. He will not die: at the perfect time, God will conquer. Think back to Return of the King and try to picture the horrifying odds; while enjoying the outcome, remember the theological relevance and beauty of that miraculous final victory. I cannot imagine - I cannot begin to imagine - the unbelievable God I claim to know, but I conveniently assume He’ll take care of me while I do my thing and try to be nice. This is not true.

In appreciating the good we must not forget the evil. Every day can bring me nearer life, or nearer death. If I insist on standing still, it will not be long before I’m shaken. I will try to ignore it, but many times I’ll have to choose: trust God to lift me forward again, or trust myself and fall to useless pride? Life lies at the handle of a bright but heavy sword, offered selflessly to undeserving hands. Dare you turn away and deny your loving King? Will you draw, but fight only for selfish glory? Darkness creeps in powerfully and in many forms. To share in victory, we must kneel and grasp Truth with a humble warrior’s heart. Not merely in one dramatic instant, but throughout our lives, as battles rage both inside and out.

the air feels thin,
the air is cold
the sun falls dim
as day grows old

all wildlife hiding,
all students hurried
all heading home
with cell phones worried

though some faces look familiar
though some looks remind of names
though it would take little effort…
much too cold for friendly games

it’s hard to write when the only point i feel like getting across is that i haven’t got much worth saying. i like to write but can only do it well when i’ve got something good that i have to get down before it slips out of my mind. there is an article i originally considered weeks ago and would love to throw together to post right now. there’s a lot i might say but i don’t know how and right now, it’s just not there. it probably will be later, when i’m trying to fall asleep, and i hate that. i have ideas to get across and a desire to do so and yet… nothing.

this must be that nagging reminder of my insufficiency, creeping up on me again. nagging in the same way a lion is a nagging reminder to the antelope that he’s tired and is about to be eaten. i feel my inability when i first wake up in the morning: soo… a day of class, and i’ll talk to maybe three people outside this house, and probably put off what little work i should do, and then repeat. soon the usual distractions get the day spinning, but again when i go to bed i remember that i’m useless at doing anything worthwhile. on my own, i am just another loser writing because i’m not good at much else. if i get my joy from cool music, a decent essay, or some new website feature, i will never stay happy for long. i may as well devote my life to a 4.0 or weekends of ignorant drunken bliss or a continuous cool-guy popularity act (or do the Miami thing and try all three at once). it’s true - my acutely incomplete belief in God does not give me immunity from distractions or depression.

my attitude is not good. it’s not terrible, and i will be ok, and if i were more stubborn i could probably live out my time here in my current mindset. even when i do move on, i will never get over my pride in my intelligence and creativity. i will never stop trying to be independent of my Creator. i can’t say for certain, because i’ve never been an alcoholic or a prostitute, but i’ll assume that my insistence on being insightful is just as spiritually hazardous. as long as i keep trying to accomplish and communicate and persuade as ends in themselves, i’ll have chosen to be stagnant - my attitude will stay “not good.” only when i look to God for my inspiration, only when i keep him in the front of my mind more often, will anything i do benefit myself and others.

and isn’t that the idea?