If you’re not fired up about government health insurance, foreign policy dictated by the UN, and environmentalist control of the economy - start getting fired up. Our centrist President is not going to drop any of his big-government plans, and the GOP is barely going to slow his stride. We can at least hope that harsh realities in Iran, North Korea, or Pah-kee-stahn will draw President Obama’s attention away from… hah! Just kidding.

While Boehner, Cantor, and several others repeat a consistent message about prudence and personal responsibility, their fellow Congressmen and governors have better things to do.

The GOP faces long odds at getting a message through the national media in the best of circumstances. And while prominent Republicans keep fooling around? Maybe our problem is that we ask too much. We want our elected officials to govern well and legislate wisely, but who has time for either when you’re juggling an affair? And how is the media supposed to dedicate any time to Republican proposals, with Obama Obama Obama and GOP scandals to chatter about?

Headline of the week: “UN sanctions on NKorea may be futile”

If you’re not a member of the UN, you’re not looking to become a member of the UN, you trade with countries indifferent to the blathering of the UN, and your giant communist neighbor watches your back at the UN, it’s conceivable that maybe the UN can’t control your actions.

The sanctions allow for inspection of North Korean cargo, which might have been sort of useful, oh, fifteen years ago.

But the North Koreans have proved to be wily traders in the past, and many of their customers may be nations like Iran and Syria that may not cooperate with U.N. sanctions.

Much of the freight can also be transported by plane, and one of the North’s most prized products — technical nuclear know-how — is safe in the minds, hard drives and brief cases of their scientists who can travel without restrictions and transfer their knowledge in person.

I’m sorry, perhaps I should state my position on the North Korea situation: Bomb. Their. Shit. Maybe by now it would be too little, too late, but I’ll never understand the logic behind watching lunatics develop bigger and bigger missiles and more and more nuclear facilities.

Only crazy neocons want to foist republican principles upon the wonderful countries who know better, but that doesn’t mean foreigners nabbed overseas shouldn’t be treated as party to our Constitution.

Change we can believe in, if we really insist on being that stupid.

Little by little this administration is turning things around. We’re going to kill ourselves our enemies with kindness!

Can’t you picture it? Some raging Imam in Riyadh or Peshawar or Detroit is halfway through a rant shrieking for “Death to the Great Satan!” and the guy in the third row stands up to say, “Actually, America treats Arab fighters dressed like civilians as if they were covered by the Geneva Conventions, and even reads them Miranda rights! It’s like they think jihadists captured overseas deserve the same protections as American citizens!” The audience laughs off their former grumpiness, then they take the Rabbi across the street to the local Ben & Jerry’s to watch the weekly Obama Success Hour on ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, or HLN.

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama promised Monday to deliver more than 600,000 jobs through his $787 billion stimulus plan this summer, with federal agencies pumping billions into public works projects, schools and summer youth programs.

Obama is ramping up his stimulus program this week even as his advisers are ramping down expectations about when the spending plan will effect a continuing rise in the nation’s unemployment.

Note the word I’ve taken the liberty of  highlighting in bold. I do not think that word means what the Associated Press thinks it means. I expect President Obama’s spending to have the long-term effect of additional unemployment. I doubt any Associated Press columnist expects the same.

Correct usage would be, “Obama is ramping up his unicorn improvement plan even as advisers downplay whether the Mystical Flying Horse Package will affect the nonexistence of mystical flying horses.”

Now more than ever it’s obvious the pundits were right - President Obama is boatloads smarter than President Bush:

“America and Islam are not exclusive,” he said, “and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.”

All the right people are taking notice of the pretty things President Obama says and the pretty ways he says them.

“There is a change between the language of President Obama and previous speeches made by George Bush,” said Fawzi Barhoum, a spokesman for Hamas.

This from a Hamas representative. Hamas, whose charter includes such gems as “Allah is its target, the Prophet is its model, the Koran its constitution: Jihad is its path and death for the sake of Allah is the loftiest of its wishes.”

Golly, this Barack character must be a top-notch thinker, if he can warm the cockles of even a Hamas spokesman’s heart. Whereas famous quotes from President Bush include*, “There ain’t no Muslims in Am-uhr-ica,” and “We’s gonna bomb them thar Islamics,” President Obama is a beacon of enlightenment for his countrymen. Being a Muslim is not the same as being a terrorist! Not all Muslims participate in or condone violence as a means of enacting sharia law!

Now that we’ve worked those things out, it’s just a matter of getting the jerk-bag Israelis to quit whining about “Muslim extremists” suicide bombing their “women” and “children.” Why, just because the Palestinians have used every new piece of land as additional rocket launching ground, the Israelis think they have a right to stop giving Palestinians land!

But as he presses Netanyahu for concessions, Obama has to be looking over his shoulder toward the powerful Israeli lobby in the United States and the many deeply conservative Christian organizations that back Israeli policy without question.

Emphasis mine. Doggone Christians, supporting The Jews (cue scary music) without thought or hesitation. They could learn something from the populations of the world’s free, competitive, advanced Muslim countries!

* Oh wait, President Bush mostly said the same things President Obama is saying, minus the constant preening about how magnificently multicultural he was for saying them.

After tonight’s finale of Reaper I remembered to check whether the show had been renewed for a third season. Season two of Reaper was a pleasant surprise - I figured things would get boring, but great new cast members and continued hilarity from the writers and actors learned me for figurin’.

I was bummed to see that CW is dropping Reaper to focus on their skank-targeted programming. In that vein, let’s play “90210 Mad Libs” - because 90210 commercials during Reaper were so inane that I considered buying a DVR. Write your own episode of 90210!

“Omigosh, did you, like, hear? Roxanne got __________!”

Suggested words/phrases: Pregnant; Hit by a Mercedes; Soooo wasted; Seven kinds of herpes.

“I’d love to get naked - I don’t care that you’re my __________”

Suggested words/phrases: Mother’s boyfriend; High school principal; Probation officer; Mother’s boyfriend and my high school principal.

“I’m feeling naughty. We should __________.”

There is only one way this sentence ends. You can jumble the words around, but the result is always dirty, random sex. Other 90210 lines that end this way include, “I’ve wanted you for, like, days. Let’s __________,” “You’re looking hot - we’re going to __________,” and “It’s Tuesday. __________.”

90210 makes me want to kick someone in the brain. Judging by the commercials, it could do little harm.

From the AP story on last night’s foiled terrorist attack in New York:

Four men arrested after planting what they thought were explosives near a synagogue and community center and plotting to shoot down a military plane were bent on carrying out a jihad against America, authorities said Thursday.

Those wacky jihadists — George W. Bush left office months ago!

“They stated that they wanted to commit Jihad,” Kelly said. “They were disturbed about what happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan, that Muslims were being killed.”

“What happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan…” think we can safely say it’s not the Taliban’s ongoing barbarity that has these fruits bombing Jewish centers in New York. Plus, would-be terrorists really need to listen more closely to President Obama! It’s the Iraq war that’s transforming Muslims into mad bombers, not Afghanistan and Pah-kee-stahn.

An official told The Associated Press that three of the men are converts to Islam. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to discuss details of the investigation. Three of the defendants are U.S. citizens and one is of Haitian descent, officials said.

That explains it. If these dudes were born Muslims, they’d realize “jihad” is a peaceful internal struggle for world domination.

Bloomberg warned against stereotypes, emphasizing that the temple is open to people of all faiths, including a Muslim girl who sometimes prays there.

What kind of stereotype could Mayor Bloomberg be referring to? Like the jailed jihadists, he should pay better attention: Muslim terrorists have no problem with killing other Muslims. Heck, if you die as collateral damage in an attack on Jews, you probably get a free ticket to Virginville!